Harry Potter and the Biblical Lion
by AccioFirebolt
Summary: A seductive wager. Slow and deliberate malice. A voluptuous feeling. And a lion searching for his lost identity in the most unlikely of places. Join us in a friendly romp through the worlds of The Lion King, Harry Potter, Sweet Valley High, the Bible,


One day Simba was happily prancing through the forest with his friend Nala followed by Iago. When suddenly, God came down to him and said, "Look here little feller, we need to have a man-to-man talk. Oops, I mean man-to- lion. You catch my drift? Well, here's what I'm sayin': Give me some suga, I am yo' father!"  
  
And Simba said, Praise be.  
  
And the next thing he knew he was Transported into a different world. God said,  
  
You must be educated in the Ways of the Lord before you can join me in my unearthly paradise. Aka the kingdom. So, I am sending you to Hogwarts.  
  
And Simba said, Let there be light.  
  
And god said, Yo that's my line.  
  
And Simba said, Forgive me father for I have sinned.  
  
And God said, Its coo.  
  
And Simba was in Hogwarts land!  
  
It was September 1 so at Platform 9 ¾ were waiting several students. None of them were expecting, a lion to Apparate there. Only Iago was with him and he said Wow, I didn't know we could apparate.  
  
There were also Harry Ron and Hermione. They were the only ones expecting the lion because Dumbledore had a direct line connection with The Big Man Up There. Aka god. Some even suspected the two were one and the same. After all isn't god always portrayed with a long beard and glasses? No? Well anyway.  
  
Hermione went up to Simba and said, I've read so much about Africa and I am eager to learn more about your culture and civilization and your practices there.  
  
Ron said, Hermione, ease up a bit.  
  
Hermione said, Honestly Ron.  
  
Harry said, Hi, I'm Heir of Gryffindor  
  
Simba said, You shall wither and bear no fruit.  
  
Harry said, Goddammit.  
  
Simba said, Thou shalt not take the name of the lord in vain.  
  
Harry said, Aw shucks.  
  
Simba said, You are forgiven for your sins.  
  
Harry said, Hey thanks.  
  
Ron said, Hey what about me?  
  
Ginny said (because she was just there), Hey look at me, I've had 1 boyfriend so I am now a sexpot. She walked around in a short skirt and a very short top.  
  
Ron said, I am now going to decapitate anyone who looks at my sister.  
  
Simba said, Behold for your brother who was dead is now alive.  
  
Ron said, I have a dead brother?  
  
Ron's Dead Brother said, Yes it is true. My name was Saul.  
  
Ron said, Yo Saul, Wazzup.  
  
Hermione said, Oh he's dreamy.  
  
Ginny snogged Draco Malfoy.  
  
Ron decapitated Draco.  
  
Ginny cried.  
  
Simba said, And he shall gather to him a group of renegades and take revenge upon the Israelites.  
  
Harry said, You know you're not as amazing as you were cracked up to be.  
  
A lightning bolt struck Harry and he died.  
  
Ginny Ron and Hermione cried.  
  
Then Hermione said, Oh well. Now it's more time for me to snog Ron.  
  
Ron said, whoa there. I'm not sure I'm ready for that level of commitment. Especially considering two beautiful American transfer students who appear to be twins just walked in through the door. I mean platform. I mean wall. Whatever.  
  
The first twin said, Hi I'm Elizabeth.  
  
The second twin said. Hi I'm Jessica. Teehee.  
  
Hermione said to Elizabeth, Hi I'm Hermione.  
  
Elizabeth said, I've heard so much about you you're really smart so am I want to be best friends?  
  
Hermione said, Welllll since Harry's dead and Ron's commitmentphobic and Ginny's a sexpot, sure why not!  
  
Elizabeth said Yay! Here's a friendship bracelet!  
  
Hermione said Yay! We're best friends forever.  
  
Jessica said, Hey wait a second, that was MY friendship bracelet, I thought I was your best friend, I'm your twin after all!  
  
Padma said, Yeah, I know how you feel and glared at Parvati who was chatting with Lavender.  
  
Ginny said, You look stylish, I'll be your best friend.  
  
Jessica said, Ok! You can have Elizabeth's frienship bracelet which is now hermione's and took it off Hermione and gave it to Ginny.  
  
Elizabeth and Hermione said Hey!  
  
Jessica said Well You took mine!  
  
Elizabeth slapped Jessica.  
  
Jessica tore off her clothes and started mud wrestling with her twin sister.  
  
Ron said, I think my every fantasy is coming true.  
  
Simba said, Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth.  
  
Neville said, Yay!  
  
The conductor of the train said, All aboard.  
  
So they clambered onboard. Magically Simba fit even though he was a lion.  
  
Hermione said lasciviously, Simba, will you sit with us?  
  
Simba said, Fuck this shit, I'm sick of talking in Bible.  
  
Hermione gasped. I'm taking 10 points from Gryffindor.  
  
Simba said, I'm not gonna be in Gryffindor, dipshit.  
  
Hermione said. But you're a lion. Of course you are.  
  
Simba said, No. I'm not. And tore off his lion costume. I am ... THE BASILISK!  
  
Ginny screamed.  
  
He looked at her.  
  
She died.  
  
He looked at everyone.  
  
They died.  
  
They met Harry and lived happily ever after in heaven.  
  
Or not ...  
  
Dun dun dun ...  
  
To be continued (maybe).  
  
R/R/ pleeeeez this is my first ficcy wiccy! 


End file.
